Distant Lover, Valentine's day

Traveling the country without one's partner is often very tough. For many individuals a common issue of serious long distance relationships is not having that one person there with them to experience the minute incidentals of life. One may find, it is the intricacies that when shared seem to be the substance which adds so much to our existence. Maintaining the connection with a life partner can be tricky when great distance is introduced as part of the equation.

Whether one is a shallow minded flake, an opinionated blow hard, or a deep thinking skeptic, we all share a common feeling which we project on our beloved partners, "this person gets me". Having the person who one feels "gets them" around, validates one's experiences;

• "yes, those boots with the fur do look quite juvenile"
• "you are so right, that scene was very provoking"
• "no, you didn't cut that person off, I'll give them the finger for you"

The persons we choose (or reject) are distinct reflections of our sensibilities, fears, strengths and faults. When we find the one's we deem as our best fit, our "life partners", often times we feel as if we have found ourselves, "you complete me". They take your heart with them when they leave, and keep your heart when you go.


Being perpetually in this situation, I have developed a number of methods to combat the terrible vacuum left when away from my life partner, which I will now share with you... you're welcome.


1) Remove all their images and exposed articles of clothing from open view.

It is difficult, if not impossible to keep thoughts of a life partner from floating into one's mind, but this always seems to help me. This will also strictly limit the conversations one may have with company, keeping all references to a missing partner moderately within the scope of one's desire to bring it up (see 2).

2) As much as possible, go out for your socializing needs.

Limiting the amount of time one is seen at their shared common dwelling cuts down on the stresses of the solo clean up afterward (and the awkward explanations conjured to satisfy my nosy neighbors).

3) Be sure to keep your bank cards and accounts strait.

Sloppy accounting, or using the wrong card will put an enormous strain on your relationship. With today's "online banking", they can easily see where you have spent money, be smart at the strip club. Get in the habit of withdrawing small amounts of cash while at the grocery store. This way I can make it rain, without the mental strain.

4) Keep a separate stash of condoms buried in the back yard.

You are a highly intelligent, sophisticated, intuitively savvy individual (as is evident by your subscription to and commenting on this very blog. Congratulations, you win); no doubt your life partner is a reflection of your superior intellect and fully grasps the difficult challenges of your long distance relationship. They, no doubt, are keeping an accurate accounting of the number of condoms purchased, used, and remaining. Double zipper lock bags within a dark garbage bag will protect from both moisture, most garden critters, and in the event the dog inadvertently unearths the bag again, they will have a modicum of UV protection.

5) Top off all lubricants before going to the airport to pick up your life partner.

On-the-spot excuses are dangerous as the lies one makes up can only account for so much. Take the time to remove all visible evidence of any "good times" you have had while your life partner has been away. Avoid use of baby oil as its odor may give you away. A pure vegetable oil can fill the gaps until a new bottle of lube is purchased (see 3). If sex is demanded while in the possession of the vegetable lube, remember when the hot and heavy is over be the first to say, "Wow, I just got the strangest urge for some fries!" (always be first).

6) Do not peel, pick at, or attempt to pop any genital pustules, regardless of how they itch or burn.

Okay, so you forgot your condoms, it happens, just don't blow it by making it obvious that you have been having unprotected orgies with Brazilian sex slaves. Use caution when bathing as, in an attempt to clean the blistering rashes, one may rupture the boils, spreading the infected puss. If one cannot discretely see a doctor before the infestation becomes apparent (via the tacky/sticky bed sheets; audible "duct tape peel" sound, which accompanies the removal of one's undergarments; or by the mildly acrid smell which is wafted in your passing breeze, or that accompanies your standing after having been seated for any considerable amount of time), make use of the rule (see 5), always be first. Blame your life partner before they are able to blame you. WARNING: Do not allow the dog to get too nosy... Fido already dug up the hidden jimmies, that's why were in this mess in the first place. It may be best to deal with the dog, before Fido gives you away by constantly sniffing your stinky crotch.

7) Keep all prescription creams, ointments and other various medications, well hidden.

But, not too well. The doctor said he couldn't be seen until next Wednesday, WTF! Way to go Doc! These blisters itch like a biblical plague, and I can't find my salve anywhere! I know I put it in the kitchen under the sink right behind the... The fucking dog ate it. That son of a butch ate my blister medicine, God damn it! I'm about to scratch the skin off my scrotum and that fucking dog... I know that fucking dog ate it. I'm done with that bitch, we aren't fucking around any more Fido!

8) Don't kill your dog.

He didn't eat my blister medicine. After having chased him around the yard for three hours, I was finally able to pin him with the lawn dart. After getting my tool box, gutting him and going through the contents of his stomach with the carpet knife, I found that I had actually put my blister medicine in the tool box, inside the assorted tacks.
The smell... it won't wash off. That was our dog... what have I done? Shit! They're going to be home soon! Oh God, I left a footprint trail of blood, feces and fur...

9) Invest in a good rug shampoo machine.

The floor is still wet. I barely had enough time to put the unit back. The last time I used that old thing, I didn't empty the water, so I had to reuse it... The heavy musk of the brown liquid might mask the dog... well... remnants for tonight, but when it dries I'm pretty sure its going to crunch when walked on. I don't think the four Glade® PlugIns® are going to cut it for long either. I hope it doesn't rain tonight. I had to portion Fido into small enough sections to stuff into that condom hole. I dug it out a bit more, still it's not very deep; but seeing as how I have a flight to catch right after the gathering and the fact my partner is already here with the guests, I don't have time to really clean up... or morn.
He wasn't a bad dog! Oh God, I'm going to start crying again! I told my partner that, in the hopes of getting some alone time, I took the dog to a friends! They better not spill the beans on this! Oh, I'm so fucked!

10) Keep good friends around you.

The damned dinner party is over. I lucked out; one of the guests brought a large dish of kimchee, no one noticed the smell of dog feces and stagnant mold. My friend has my back on our missing Fido, so that gives me some time to figure out what to do regarding the dead dog in the backyard, I'll miss you Fido... My partner is seeing the last of our guests to their car, so I only have a few minutes to get some of this blister ointment on my junk. Wow, it smells like a menthol cocoa nut! I know I'll be expected to perform tonight, I've got to psyche myself up... Maybe one or two of these blue pills from that Brazilian "worker", it got me in the mood last time...

11) Just say no to drugs!

So... Airport security pulled me to the side when I got off the plane to make my connection. The guy said I was randomly selected, so I had to follow him to a secure room where I was strip searched... fucking pills. I'm not deaf! I hear the people behind that fake mirror, "damn!"

He told me to bend over and spread my cheeks, when I did one of the blisters on my taint popped. Some of the puss landed in his coffee... I don't think he noticed. One of the other guards dropped off some papers and brought me a cup, I guess I'll be here for a while. I still haven't lost wood... damn.

12) That fucking dog!!!

I'm busted. I was arrested for animal abuse; my "friend" ratted me out after my life partner showed up to check on Fido. That dick! Why didn't he just not answer! Airport security turned me over to the Port Authority. The guy said he was willing to take a statement right there if I wanted to talk about what happened. I purposely dropped my pen, he leaned over and when he came up I knocked him out with my insanely stiff penis. It didn't even bend, the impact was crazy solid! The door was locked from the outside, but with how hard my stiffy was I figured I could use my penis to break the two way glass. One swing is all it took, the glass didn't break, the wall supports actually fractured. The thick laminated shatter-proof mirror fell back into the dark hollow of the observation room, crushing the recording equipment which caused a small fire, that I was able to use to burn all the paperwork they had on me.

13) Birth of a Valentine's day super hero!

I escaped Airport security, beating my way through wave after wave of flash light cop with nothing but my incredible penis, but then the real pigs came! They told me to drop my weapon, I told them it was impossible, but they didn't believe me so they started shooting! My amazing penis, having a mind of its own, deflected the bullets back at the police. Attempting to run I slipped on a shell casing, but my swollen member caught me, mid-fall, and I was able to flee, bouncing on my penis like Tigger.

Now I'm known as the Valentine's Day Matador.


I hope you enjoyed my tale-gasm for all the distant lovers.


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